If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Bike is short for Bichael.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Body by Oreos
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!