YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
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The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
And that about sums it up.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.