I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no