[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
You Might Also Like
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.