Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
There is no try. There is only give up.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”