If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You Might Also Like
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*