Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
sliding into dms like
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.