My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
You Might Also Like
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.