Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.