Thursday
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.