”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”