I gave up going to work for lent.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up