My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
also my go-to takeaway order
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
“OMGJK” -atheists
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”