The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like