Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶