Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
getting groceries
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
🚲+physics = winner
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
fired