Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Phones down.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
#Caturday
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Do not levitate over flowers
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”