This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one