Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***