If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Brother?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon