Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You Might Also Like
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.