Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…