[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
You Might Also Like
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.