My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Doggies just call it style.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.