[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Spring of Deception
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”