Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
jesus, what did this guy do
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Has science gone too far?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions