🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email