What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Stop sending me this shit.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”