The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You Might Also Like
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Husband of the year 😂
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’m sorry…what?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother