You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
β€οΈπ§‘ππππβ€οΈπ§‘ππππ
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Ohβ¦ thatβs too bad
10yo: we can just move the couchβ¦
Me: no we canβt!
10yo: yes we canβ¦
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: itβs notβ¦
Me: you donβt know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Me: Iβll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Maβam, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[gains weight] ugh clothes donβt fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes donβt fit
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
When I wished for simpler times, I didnβt mean peopleβs IQs
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow youβre tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6β6β, 6β11β with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg βwith hornsβ! you are SO funny
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Iβm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
βI see youβre going somewhere. Guess Iβll walk right in front of you.β
β kids, pets, spouses
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.