Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Strangers have the best candy.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words