how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck