*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Cardio Made Easy
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*