The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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The smoothest fall of all time
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]