MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.