Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
(Musicians.)
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no