AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.