“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.