Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
remember
only for emergencies
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.