Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.