The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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inside you are two wolves
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂