My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]