My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Google Pay be like:
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.