responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?