Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.