I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.