[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
“I wouldn’t.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them