*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”