Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!