*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Good morning.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.